Threesome. From the high of your love triangle, you look down on people’s sex life, spreading your shadow over the territory of achievements. It doesn’t matter in what order the letters are, Fs and Ms are mixing together into one marvelous tag. Threesome, I love you, threesome, sorrow takes hold of me when you’re away – and when you leave, I want nothing but you.
The other day, I was quite simply sipping lil vids on my bed when, suddenly, my eye was sucked up by a tag with a magic scent. My flair had already be proven to be well experienced in the quest for the Perfect Tag and I felt there I was pretty close. I took a deep breath, thinking « Wow dude, that’s an ass-kicking tag, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s hiding lots of nice stuff ». No mixing this time, I found a single tag, worse than an ellipse by William S. Burroughs, enjoying this new kind of Naked lunch for hours. Teen BFF – that’s the stuff! Let’s dissect the specimen.
#Teen refers to chicks between 18 and 20 but looking like 16, dressed up as cute sluts. To this, you might add #BFF, the only way to be sure there will be at least two girls (since you can’t be your own best friend – unless you’re playing with a Tenga).
Picture yourself a flat surface. On the left, put « Teen ». On the right, put « BFF ». Then, bring them both together – and what do you see? A garden of bliss in front of you. Two best buddies, 18 years old on average. And what do they do together? They take baths together, they chat in little panties – sometimes blowing a pal. You cringed, don’t say otherwise. Before you, the scene is happening fast, you see exactly where this fucking tag is coming from. I will write it in capital letters because you are beginning to pass out : FOR THE FIRST TIME, YOU’RE THE BLOODY HERO OF A THREESOME WITH TWO TEENS. I know, it simmers down. Have a sit. I will deal with the rest.
The concept is always basically the same. Two BFFs chat on a bed or a sofa about hunks. They wear candy pink panties – it’s kinda their job in porn. Quickly, they ask each other existential questions – namely if the other one has already done « stuff » with a girl. Laughs, frivolity – then a hand lands on a breast. Surprised but curious, the girl lets herself go. Laughs again, what’s the matter with playing – by « playing », they mean fingering quietly each other, just like that. Tension is so thick in your tighty whities that you have to come or hit a wall very hard. It’s precisely what we don’t have in our gloomy neighborhoods : a dirty scene has to be introduced, gone are the days when, with a lame excuse, you could take your dick out to screw the cleaning lady without warning. That’s right, cutie pie – what’s arousing you is reality and this damn hot tag got it well. It’s playing with our nerves.
These two creatures of the Devil are so much looking like the chicks you always wanted to bang that you’ve forgotten for a while there was a third fellow filming. This guy is you, you ogle the stuff, chilling out, you won’t disturb these cuties. They go on, going for some really serious business, a 69 between girls – man, they know their classics. It’s wicked, but I wouldn’t call it a threesome. But, o horror! Horror! Horror! A jump cut! Wait… what? Next scene – they are wearing clothes. What the fuck, teenBFF.com? Stop it!
We had THE CRAZIEST TIME with those chicks, it felt so right, they hadn’t spotted me and my cam – fuck, why did you told the film editor to cut the scene? Seriously, what’s your job? Pornocrat or terrorist? And where did the other guy come from? I don’t know him, man! You sold me an ultra-realistic POV, not a lame screw with a quaterback. Two minutes ago, I was nearly coming, I had butterflies in the stomach like the First Time – and you, punk, create havoc with your guy. What? Yeah, right, I still have a boner, ok, ok, I calm down. All right, don’t lose your temper, rock my world, cowboy.
Anyway, long story short, they begin to blow him together… Seems like a fine deal. They manage it quite well, pretending it’s their very first time, one of them shows the other how to do it – looks like a nice idea, but something smells fishy (not talking about your semen here, buddy). The guy in question -you can’t see his face but you can guess that he’s a bit dopey- has a chub. You say to yourself « It’s surely stress, our little champ’ is going to get his mojo back with these two cuties fussing with their depraved tongues ». Too bad it does not happen. No matter how hard he tried to forget the lousy jump cuts and the over-used faux-raccords of the ruthless film editor, he didn’t succeed to offer us more than a faded cock – the cock of a man that had to do a line to stay cool. You’re busted, dude.
You had prepared yourself for a video that was going to make you reach heaven and suddenly, you fall sheer, as if you were at an airshow turning out badly. You become aware of the set, the little production company created by buddies, the stress to do properly, the slipped bad cocaine – and there comes the tragedy: the simpleton cameraman steps back and you can see the face of the late champion, barely 20 at most, very concentrated on this damned chub. Banging two chicks – that’s no ordinary thing for him, he signed for it without reading the terms and now, he is living the worst day of his life. A guy is filming his awful chubby dick and the poor thing becomes obsessed his joy-stick. Mayday, mayday, we are losing height!
The director (actually, I don’t know if there is any) cuts the scene in a mood-killing way – and I begin to think it’s his own style. One of the girls is straddling our poor soul, riding his dick the best she can. But, what’s the point, when you can feel the guy hardly has a hard-on? It’s a disaster, you speed up the video to put an end to his (and your?) pain, you spot the cumshot and come at last. Furiously, you close the internet browser. You’re still happy, but, deep down your heart, you’re sulking. You would have done so much better, you would have rocked it like Patrick Bateman – you would have filmed everything by yourself. Detachment is the key and it’s simpler to focus when hiding behind a screen.
I lied. Actually, all the videos are not like this one – to entice you, you’ll easily find the best ones. I watch this one by stages since it’s pretty crazy, but regarding the rest, there must have been a casting mistake. This is quite the bummer… but nonetheless, you get over it. You will be disappointed watching these vids on your computer, but how could you resist those bedrooms full of posters dated from your post-adolescence?
Oh nostalgia for the golden age, the more the time goes by, the more I become estranged from adolescence! Teen BBF is the flagship of youth and I love it as a real threesome. It’s sleeping by my side when, while the cold winter evenings, I’m looking for the Summer and its sweat. I end up focusing on the beginning, closing my eyes and picturing myself being the hero of this threesome, with the hope that the infernal triangle of my torrid nights will take shape when fiction destroys fantasy.
Teen BFF, you are mine.
Originally translated from this post by Gaspard Motet